I see the incredible benefits of having a smartphone as a mom. GPS, camera, ability to google random questions, stay connected with other moms, share pictures and video clips with family and friends who are far away, blog... But somewhere in the corners of my mind, unlit by the glow of my iPhone's screen, doubts are continuing to grow.
Am I missing out on something?
That's the whole reason we have these contraptions, isn't it? So that we don't miss out on something? So that we are always in the loop- either sharing or receiving information.
Yet as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and check next week's weather and text back and forth with a friend, my new human is at my breast, feeding, growing.
I take pictures (too many I'm sure) and videos of Wee Bud but am I able to just stare at her and enjoy the fleeting moments without feeling like I missed it by not capturing it?
I'm afraid that I have lost my ability to be still. To just be. I can sit still...so long as I have my phone, a TV, a book. My body can be still. But can my mind? My heart?
I'm out of practice.
As Captain and I sit together, Wee Bud in my lap and both of us on our phones, I tell myself that it doesn't matter so much right now. Wee Bud is not as aware. As I "pass the time", I try to convince myself that it is in the future when it will matter.
Yet even as my mind assuages itself with these thoughts, it knows that they are lies.
This new human is aware. This supposed distant point "in the future" is today. It's tomorrow. It's now.
I'm being transparent here. I'm exposing questions that I have before I've determined the answers.
Where is the balance? I tend to vacillate between extremes when hashing out a decision. Much like Peter in scripture when Jesus wanted to wash his feet. I can see my personality reflected in Peter's responses.
Jesus: Peter, let me wash your feet.
Peter: No, don't wash any of me.
Jesus: I have to or you have no part in me.
Peter: Then wash all of me!
Jesus: *sigh* Just your feet, stupid.
This is my translation. Obviously, Jesus never called Peter stupid. But I find myself often, when making decisions, hearing in my head and heart that loving, patient sigh and "just your feet, stupid".
I say all of that to explain where I'm at now, which is nowhere decisive, swinging between "it doesn't matter, check Pinterest" and "I'm going back to a flip phone." Neither of those are correct; they are extremes. I am still struggling to find the place of balance where I can safely stand. I'm in the process of working out which of these thoughts and feelings are guilt, stemming from the desire to be a perfect mom and which are something more, feelings of conviction growing from a God-given desire to be a mom who honors Him and does the best she can.
....these thoughts are nowhere near finished but you'll have to excuse me. Wee Bud is ready to be burped.
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