.insanity.

It's been said (over said, in my opinion) how the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

This may be true in the world outside, but for parents of new humans there is a different and quite opposite definition of insanity. 

When it comes to newborns, doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same results is insane. 

I am insane. My own mother, who has for the most part recovered from the insanity my own childhood caused, finds great humor in our conversations whenever I proclaim that I have gotten a handle on one aspect or another. And she is right to laugh. I'm realizing that my parenting methods are like my cooking methods. It never works exactly the same way twice. 

And it drives me insane. :)

.i love my captain.

I love my Captain. I'm his First Mate. These are some of the roughest seas we've sailed in our marriage thus far but the ship is staying afloat. We take turns being strong. We take turns burping and changing diapers. We each have our roles to fill and we work well as a team. 

Basically I just wanted to say that I love him. Even in my sleep-deprived, foggy, fussy, fuzzy state of mind I know how blessed I am to be in the same boat with him. 

We just finished a late-night feeding, I haven't slept in two nights and I can't remember the last time I blow-dried my hair but I wouldn't want to be anywhere else tonight. 

.cell phone frustration.

Technology is maddening to me. It's a double-edged sword that I can't seem to yield satisfactorily. I think I'm losing something. Possibly my mind, but that has yet to be determined. 

I see the incredible benefits of having a smartphone as a mom. GPS, camera, ability to google random questions, stay connected with other moms, share pictures and video clips with family and friends who are far away, blog... But somewhere in the corners of my mind, unlit by the glow of my iPhone's screen, doubts are continuing to grow. 

Am I missing out on something?

That's the whole reason we have these contraptions, isn't it? So that we don't miss out on something? So that we are always in the loop- either sharing or receiving information. 

Yet as I scroll through my Facebook newsfeed and check next week's weather and text back and forth with a friend, my new human is at my breast, feeding, growing.

I take pictures (too many I'm sure) and videos of Wee Bud but am I able to just stare at her and enjoy the fleeting moments without feeling like I missed it by not capturing it?

I'm afraid that I have lost my ability to be still. To just be. I can sit still...so long as I have my phone, a TV, a book. My body can be still. But can my mind? My heart?

I'm out of practice. 

As Captain and I sit together, Wee Bud in my lap and both of us on our phones, I tell myself that it doesn't matter so much right now. Wee Bud is not as aware. As I "pass the time", I try to convince myself that it is in the future when it will matter. 

Yet even as my mind assuages itself with these thoughts, it knows that they are lies.

This new human is aware. This supposed distant point "in the future" is today. It's tomorrow. It's now. 

I'm being transparent here. I'm exposing questions that I have before I've determined the answers. 

Where is the balance? I tend to vacillate between extremes when hashing out a decision. Much like Peter in scripture when Jesus wanted to wash his feet. I can see my personality reflected in Peter's responses. 

Jesus: Peter, let me wash your feet. 

Peter: No, don't wash any of me. 

Jesus: I have to or you have no part in me. 

Peter: Then wash all of me!

Jesus: *sigh* Just your feet, stupid. 

This is my translation. Obviously, Jesus never called Peter stupid. But I find myself often, when making decisions, hearing in my head and heart that loving, patient sigh and "just your feet, stupid". 

I say all of that to explain where I'm at now, which is nowhere decisive, swinging between "it doesn't matter, check Pinterest" and "I'm going back to a flip phone." Neither of those are correct; they are extremes. I am still struggling to find the place of balance where I can safely stand. I'm in the process of working out which of these thoughts and feelings are guilt, stemming from the desire to be a perfect mom and which are something more, feelings of conviction growing from a God-given desire to be a mom who honors Him and does the best she can. 

....these thoughts are nowhere near finished but you'll have to excuse me. Wee Bud is ready to be burped.

.God and gripe water.

Somewhere in England in the 1850's (if my brief internet research is correct), English nannies began using gripe water to calm soothing, fussy babies. And God saw it, and it was good. And the people rejoiced.

Gripe water? Grape water? What? - I hear you saying it.

It's gripe water. And it is God's gift to new mommies and daddies. It calms crying, gassy, colicky, teething babies and it makes grown adults weep for joy when their new human is soothed. (I've shed a tear or two at least.)

It was recommended to us by our chiropractor. We talked to our pediatrician about it before using it. He said that it was completely safe - the only thing is that it only works on approximately 30% of children. For the other 70% it just does nothing. It's not harmful, it's just not effective. For those 30% though, it is a miracle worker.

Forget the 1%! We are part of the 30%! (And no, I don't know where they are getting these statistics. 72.9% of statistics are made up on the spot so I give very little credence to them.)

We only use a fraction of the recommended dose. Wee Bud can be inconsolable and we'll go down our ever-growing list: is she hungry? is it a dirty diaper? is she cold? is she tired? is it gas?

And usually, by the time we reach the end of the list, gripe water is the answer. Captain has become the leader of gripe water's fan club as he held Wee Bud screaming, put a few drops on her tongue, and had her fall asleep in his arms within two minutes.

Gripe water. Look it up. Pick it up. Pray you're part of the 30%.

P.S. We use Mommy's Bliss Gripe Water. It's what was available to us (picked it up at EarthFare) and we have loved it. Because I'm breastfeeding and not wanting to interfere with that, we used the unflavored gripe water. You can also get it in apple flavored though. I've used it on myself a few times with the adult dosage and it has worked wonderfully.

We have the full-size bottle but hope to try the travel-size soon. The travel-size bottles have the dropper in the lid, rather than separate. Also, it says to dispose of the gripe water six weeks after opening it. The travel-size are smaller. No sense wasting this miraculous liquid.

http://www.mommysbliss.com

http://www.amazon.com/Mommys-Bliss-Gripe-Water-Travel/dp/B002N2EZFE/ref=pd_sim_hpc_1